It seems to me that others will always lay expectations on others. On the ones that they love most expectations of fallen dreams will be handed over like a heavy burden, which the reciever takes, only too willing to please. To the ones that they loathe, expectations of only the worst await. Like a dark preconditioned force drives the loathing to want and expect the other only to be disappointment and filled with betrayal. Finally, expectations are handed over to ourselves. In the deep conscience an expectation takes root, of success and happiness. It is an expectation which costs the most yet continues drawing deeper and deeper into the heart.

I have tried not to live up to those expectations, but somehow they make us who we are. Your fathers expectation of having the sportiest child in the country makes one strive to be the star hook and captain in the first 11 Rugby team, or captain of the A netball team. Eager to please our afternoons are filled with practises and training. We go through sweat, stinking like a pig, grueling runs, all so that we can be the best. Our mothers expectations of being the class pet, the smartest on the block, DUX, Valedictorian make us strive for excellences in the classroom. As a result we study long hours into the night and before we know it we are labelled 'brainboxes,' but that is okay, because that was what we wanted. Wasn't it?

I have to admit, I am a high achiever, I don't mean to be. I am incredibly clumsy and unco' yet I still participate in sport. I haven't figured out whether I enjoy sport for the thrill and adrenalin rush, or because it has made me popular and skinny. School work comes easily to me, but I have seen others work so much harder than I have. I have seen students put their everything into their study, yet have recieved no recognition for it. I hardly believe that that kind of attitude will encourage and nourish a seeking student. Yet at the same time, if I do not recieve good grades for my work I will be disappointed. With myself, for not trying harder. Funny isnt it? That that is an expectation I have put on myself with out meaning too. Mhmm.

Okay, so all these expectations around us. And we get angry at them if we think aobut them. But, what if there were no expectations? No body believeing that you can be more than what you are. I see people at school who have no belief in themselves. Who do not trust their instincts, who think that they are as good as what they can have or give- in the sexual way. Their parents or caregivers do not attend their prize givings and I barely see them at school functions. Do these kids have any expectations put on them that is nurtured and encouraged? I have my doubts. Expectations are put on us by those that care for us, I guess it is like a sign of affection, which leads me to think that these students, who have no hope in themsleves, who have no expectations put on them have no one to put those on them. That they are not loved. That is a tragedy.

To have expectations is to hope. It can become an obsession which is dangerous. It can blossom into life, as you see a hearts hope fulfilled and it can mold. Expectations are put onto us by others, who love us, who care. Sometimes for selfish reasons, but expectations make us want to prove our worth. Our worht is in Jesus Christ who has the expectations of a wonderful life and relationship for us and with us.

Waiting.. waiting.. waiting..
hoping..hoping.. hoping..
there has to be something more, something exciting
Adventure, danger, intrigue..
when, when when?
When will it come?
I'll have to be brave
Step out, step out
onto the path
that leads up mountains
and down into valleys
Hand over the steering wheel
Travel with a friend
See the world
Breath the culture
Feel the wind
Stroke the many sand dunes
Of Egypt
Swim swim swim
like a mermaid
Dash and dart with the humming bird
Live life
Be free
Be Wild
Be Kind
Be Generous and Compassionate
Be Inviting
Be Captivating.
Be free
Be Wild
Be Kind
Be Generous and Compassionate
Be Inviting
Be Captivating.

Life should be like a musical

"Life should be a musical" was the opening to my speech last week in assembly. Key word: was. Was supposed to be. Rather what happened instead will probably result in myself falling short. But hey, at least I know then that I cannot boast about my own merits.

Last week I had to do a speech in assembly telling the school as to why they should vote for me, in a campaign so that I may be able to go on the Board Of Trustees as the Student Representative. The night before I practiced my speech, had it memorised, I included so puns and had a low key, informal style that I thought that my audience would most appreciate. HOWEVER: during the morning I had not been seen by anybody as to what action to take, so as I was sitting with the rest of the assembly I was totally dismayed to see the other candidates walking up onto stage! Hurriedly I walked to the stage only to be told that I would have to do my speech.. FIRST! Flustered already, all manner and form of preparation I had flew out the window! I was left to rely on stammering and my theater-sports skills of improvisation. Aagh!

At least though I know that if I get the position of student rep. it'll definitely be God's doing, because in NO way on my own merits would I get in. The speech was too faltering, and ill prepared. Afterward campaigning was not successful, if I get in it'll be a miracle. Isn't that just amazing? That I can rest in the peace, that if I don't get this position that it's not a failure as it was simply where God didn't want me :) That is just such good news! Jesus really is Peace. YAY.

And yes, life should be a musical. To burst in spontaneous song where the good guy always wins and love prevails. Life is abit like that though- the Good Guy has won! and His love does prevail!

No More Facade

My sixteenth birthday party was probably the prettiest thing that I have had in a while. Romantic candles set the scene, the aroma of coffee wafting through out the room and classic jazz playing softly in the background. Small round tables were filled with laughing and chattery people, discussing their weekends and joking around. And I felt comfortable, I was with people that I knew, that didn't judge me, that accepted my lame sense of humor, that loved me. I did not have to prove myself to them- I was just, Me.

Today catching up with a friend I was reminded of the relief of just being honest. The freedom it brings to just be truthful with oneself and others, to express emotions, despite having it out in the open. At my party I was with people that I knew I could be honest with, which is why it was such a beautiful evening. There was no facade that we so naturally put up. Hanging with my friend today she was honest I was honest. It was a sweet day.

I hope that I will be able to take off the mask everyday. Okay, I'm not so different with the mask on or with it off, but sometimes there are occasions when I wish I was different, or perhaps when I wish that I would swallow my pride and say something different- to be braver, to be more trusting, to be more into my God instead of wishing for a Prince. But all girls want a Prince. I hope that I'll be able to take off the mask when I want to keep it on the most. Jesus was honest with everybody and told them the straight hard up truth- I hope I'll be able to do that, be honest and truthful.

Truthful to others and also to my self. So often I would try to delude myself; to combat my feelings, my heart, as silly and cliche as it sounds. When I see that guy my heart starts beating faster and faster, although my body tells me that I like this person, but in my mind I would tell myself to stop being so ridiculous, not because he's better than me, but rather because my head tells me it is ridiculous for me to like people at the age that I am now. Logic is just silly, yet logic with out heart drives people to evil. And heart with out logic is pure compulsion and lust; it is to set oneself up to utter heartbreak and desolation.. so where is the middle ground?

To be honest wiht oneself and others is a virtue. Hopefully I'll be able to learn to do this with the help from those that love me and those whom I love. Jesus will be my Saviour, he knows my heart, he will sort it out.