Phew! Another Christmas is rolling around, it doesn't feel that long since i last wrote the Santa=Satan entry. But a whole year has passed, four seasons have been and gone, new seasons of House and Veronica Mars have screened and Kirsty Alley lost heaps of weight. Yes despite all this, I don't think that I could safely say that it was filled with great memories of sunny skies and meadow frolicking, it was more a year of rainy days, pining at the window with a sad song in the background. Perhaps I'm being pathetic- which I probably am, but looking it back, it seems that the disappointments overshadow the triumphs.
Easter camp 06 which is the highlight to most was probably one of the saddest of all. Now I don't know whether that is because I set up great expectations for it and those were then not returned, but it was lonely. It set the mark for the rest of the year. I had a couple of friends there, but no breath taking awe inspiring moments. When people were reveling at how awesome the worship was, all I could do was shrug and say 'sure.' I've always been a bit of a people pleaser, so how could I say that it sucked?! Never mind, the point is my supposed to be highlight was a total dud!
Youth group changed heaps too. Everybody just seemed to grow up too much. When once we would go door knocking or have picnics we would rather just 'hang' at somebody's house and do nothing. People's goals/visions have changed. It seems that focusing on school work and cars is more important than having a good laugh or singing a song. Once again though, perhaps I just set too high expectations, perhaps I'm too sentimental, perhaps I'm too immature, perhaps I'm just stuck in the old days.
At my end of year prize giving I received the Junior DUX, but it was met with disappointment, not from my family or my peers, but from me. I walked onto stage, and felt nothing. I felt empty. Like the whole entire year was a waste. Despite all the talks of changing the school and being strong for Jesus, nothing happened, despite my best intentions to be joyful and happy, nothing happened. Even the girly nights with 'friends' was empty. It just feels like the year gone has been empty.I can honestly say that my friendships have dwindled, my Jesus time has dwindled- taken over by commitments I made to help out at Church. And definitely no prospectus for a boyfriend, not that it matters at this stage for one.
What has happened? What will happen? I don't know what the future will bring. I do know however that Hillary Challenge is going to be a CHALLENGE! I do know that at school I will continue plowing through and probably sign up for way too many extra curricular activities, which is what I do. I'm a people pleaser. I'll probably let my friendships slip further and further away. I don't want to be clingy or needy, so I let people come and go as they wish, do what they want to do. Sometimes I'm a little demanding and set expectations- but I guess that's a defect of not trusting people.
I don't know what will happen next year, I just hope it wont be a repeat of this year. It is no use worrying about it, what will be will be. All I can do right now is to try to enjoy Christmas- even though it barely feels like it. God knows what will happen. He has a plan. Perhaps I should just trust? Easier said than done though.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
