AAgh! Okay, I only have ten minutes to write this in, decide what I want to write about and upload it- and my computer is going SO SLOW!

Okay, so the thing that has been getting me lately is -hard to say in words- rather tis a mixture of varied emotions. Ya know, like being a Christian your not supposed to be 'dating' unless your ready for marriage or like there is a huge emphasis on not 'lusting' whatever that is! Please define when somebody is lusting! and is it their fault for being raunchily clad that we lust or is it our own that we are unable to control ourselves? (2 min left)
Any way, personally i think there is always heaps said about chiks not wearing modest enough clothing- SERIOUSLY! you can buy scores of books at any shop written by other woman (or men) stating how scantily glad girls are and that they should dress more appropriatly- fair enough, alot of girls do look prostitutuiony, but what aobut all those boys who walk with their shirts off? or who lead girls on.. do they hold no responsibility? Are they not also responsible for the bad thing we call 'lust'?
And then there is also the degrading of woman. Im no feminist, but seriously! Girls- get a clue! When a guy talks to you whilst only looking at your boobs, you know he is only after one thing, so honey, please, dont fall for him. Women on hip hop clips, why do you even allow yoursleves to be degraded like that?! Do you seriously want all males on the earth to check you out and only think aobut doig it with you? I can hardly think that any bloke would want to have a serious relationship with you if you put yourself out like that. ( i think i just grasped the term 'put out.')
Our fellow grandmothers fought SO hard for our independance, to not be so looked down on, and girls, ladies, i seriously think that we have let them down. They fought so that men wouldnt have control over us anymore, but seriously girls, when you think that you are worth nothing, just because you do not have a man on your arm- well its jsut contradicting what great ladies stood for. As women we are the crown of creation, that final stroke on the artists canvas- let us stop letting ourselves down!
What i also do not understand is why when girls like more than one guy they'r 'slutty' but when a guy has hooked up with more than one chik on one night he's the man? They're both the same thing, can we please get a little sensible? I am not condoning the motion of liking more than one guy or hooking up with randoms- infact i think they're both silly-but my point is, it should be the same for both sexes. We were created equally, with different jobs to do. And none of the jobs are better than any other! We are all under God's image, male and female. The sex thing has just gone stupid and it is all over rated anyway. Let's just get back to being us. :)

In Retrospect

Phew! Another Christmas is rolling around, it doesn't feel that long since i last wrote the Santa=Satan entry. But a whole year has passed, four seasons have been and gone, new seasons of House and Veronica Mars have screened and Kirsty Alley lost heaps of weight. Yes despite all this, I don't think that I could safely say that it was filled with great memories of sunny skies and meadow frolicking, it was more a year of rainy days, pining at the window with a sad song in the background. Perhaps I'm being pathetic- which I probably am, but looking it back, it seems that the disappointments overshadow the triumphs.

Easter camp 06 which is the highlight to most was probably one of the saddest of all. Now I don't know whether that is because I set up great expectations for it and those were then not returned, but it was lonely. It set the mark for the rest of the year. I had a couple of friends there, but no breath taking awe inspiring moments. When people were reveling at how awesome the worship was, all I could do was shrug and say 'sure.' I've always been a bit of a people pleaser, so how could I say that it sucked?! Never mind, the point is my supposed to be highlight was a total dud!

Youth group changed heaps too. Everybody just seemed to grow up too much. When once we would go door knocking or have picnics we would rather just 'hang' at somebody's house and do nothing. People's goals/visions have changed. It seems that focusing on school work and cars is more important than having a good laugh or singing a song. Once again though, perhaps I just set too high expectations, perhaps I'm too sentimental, perhaps I'm too immature, perhaps I'm just stuck in the old days.

At my end of year prize giving I received the Junior DUX, but it was met with disappointment, not from my family or my peers, but from me. I walked onto stage, and felt nothing. I felt empty. Like the whole entire year was a waste. Despite all the talks of changing the school and being strong for Jesus, nothing happened, despite my best intentions to be joyful and happy, nothing happened. Even the girly nights with 'friends' was empty. It just feels like the year gone has been empty.I can honestly say that my friendships have dwindled, my Jesus time has dwindled- taken over by commitments I made to help out at Church. And definitely no prospectus for a boyfriend, not that it matters at this stage for one.

What has happened? What will happen? I don't know what the future will bring. I do know however that Hillary Challenge is going to be a CHALLENGE! I do know that at school I will continue plowing through and probably sign up for way too many extra curricular activities, which is what I do. I'm a people pleaser. I'll probably let my friendships slip further and further away. I don't want to be clingy or needy, so I let people come and go as they wish, do what they want to do. Sometimes I'm a little demanding and set expectations- but I guess that's a defect of not trusting people.

I don't know what will happen next year, I just hope it wont be a repeat of this year. It is no use worrying about it, what will be will be. All I can do right now is to try to enjoy Christmas- even though it barely feels like it. God knows what will happen. He has a plan. Perhaps I should just trust? Easier said than done though.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Emoo

Whats up with the EMO FAD these days? Do people like to think that their lives suck and they just wanna die? If you think bout it.. Th peeps who are all into emoness would have been the dizzy blondes not that long ago.. Your life doesnt suck to th point of death.. There is SO much more and we're worth SO much more!! get a life guys! Unless you hung your self already..

Production...

I guess that because I havn't posted any thing in ages its about time that I do. Recently our school had a production, and I guess one of the main things that I learnt from that experience is that: With out dedication and effort the result will suck!! AKA: A half pie might as well be a rotten pie. Though its carzy to think of all the things we do half heartedly and think that whatever happens is the other persons fault. But arnt we worth so much more than that? Dont we think so much more of ourselves than to show case ourselves and make us look like asses? Mhmm.. somthing to think about huh.. I guess it also goes with the whole going an extra mile kinda thing