No More Facade

My sixteenth birthday party was probably the prettiest thing that I have had in a while. Romantic candles set the scene, the aroma of coffee wafting through out the room and classic jazz playing softly in the background. Small round tables were filled with laughing and chattery people, discussing their weekends and joking around. And I felt comfortable, I was with people that I knew, that didn't judge me, that accepted my lame sense of humor, that loved me. I did not have to prove myself to them- I was just, Me.

Today catching up with a friend I was reminded of the relief of just being honest. The freedom it brings to just be truthful with oneself and others, to express emotions, despite having it out in the open. At my party I was with people that I knew I could be honest with, which is why it was such a beautiful evening. There was no facade that we so naturally put up. Hanging with my friend today she was honest I was honest. It was a sweet day.

I hope that I will be able to take off the mask everyday. Okay, I'm not so different with the mask on or with it off, but sometimes there are occasions when I wish I was different, or perhaps when I wish that I would swallow my pride and say something different- to be braver, to be more trusting, to be more into my God instead of wishing for a Prince. But all girls want a Prince. I hope that I'll be able to take off the mask when I want to keep it on the most. Jesus was honest with everybody and told them the straight hard up truth- I hope I'll be able to do that, be honest and truthful.

Truthful to others and also to my self. So often I would try to delude myself; to combat my feelings, my heart, as silly and cliche as it sounds. When I see that guy my heart starts beating faster and faster, although my body tells me that I like this person, but in my mind I would tell myself to stop being so ridiculous, not because he's better than me, but rather because my head tells me it is ridiculous for me to like people at the age that I am now. Logic is just silly, yet logic with out heart drives people to evil. And heart with out logic is pure compulsion and lust; it is to set oneself up to utter heartbreak and desolation.. so where is the middle ground?

To be honest wiht oneself and others is a virtue. Hopefully I'll be able to learn to do this with the help from those that love me and those whom I love. Jesus will be my Saviour, he knows my heart, he will sort it out.

Tears And Rain- James Blunt

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tears and Rain.

Tears and Rain.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Life without Fear

For my birthday coming up, I decided to have a Coffee and Dessert evening, which would reflect my tastes, however I am getting a little nervous as i don't think that my taste is very popular, or rather its a bit old fashioned.. any way, I'm excited i guess :) Isn't that odd? That I am apprehensive about having a classy party because I'm insecure about how others will receive it. Mhmm..

Anyway, preparing for this I have had to make (am in the process of making) a soundtrack, and with my research I have discovered once again the beauty of Mr James Blunt. His music is beautiful, lyrical and poetry. It reaches emotion that I am quite reluctant to express. It just is pretty.. Listen to it some time if ya want! He is honest, he is not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve. imagine the kind of life one would live if they lived with out fear! "Perfect love drives out fear." The only reason I don't express myself, or am apprehensive about having my party is because I'll be exposing my self for who and what I truly am.

Life with out fear, that is a life with God. If only my relationship with him will get a little better. Silly how us humans think that our relationship with Him will just be sweet as with out putting any effort into it huh? I think sometimes God is lonely.. Being ignored by all those he Loves so much. Its like being ignored by your best friend, or by that boy who you seem to notice but doesn't even know that you exist. C'mon God has feelings too, he must be so lonely... O no! My bad.. He is beautiful though, James Blunt's music is beautiful and says it how it is. That is an amiable quality- to be able to live with out fear, to be able to wear your heart on your sleeve.

The Sweet Moments

There are those sweet moments in life, which you only get once, a moment, a glimpse when everything is perfect. The smell of fresh rain, or the joy of seeing a child smile just for a second or so about something that you never perceived as beautiful until they smiled. They are the sweet moments which one hopes would last forever. They are the moments which make your day feel worthwhile, the moments which make everything fall into place.

A typical moment that is said to be particularly sweet is that of ones sixteenth birthday. The year is supposed to be magical, filled with romance, laughter, life fulfillment. Ya know like beach fun, snow trips, road trips etc. I'm going to be sixteen on Sunday, I am excited, but I don't know what to expect, so far of being a teenager has not turned out to be as it promised. Perhaps I am just a little sentimental. How selfish of me really. Life is not defined on boyfriends, but by moments. Laughs, tears, sunshine, rainbows, rain and the twinkle in an eye. I have experienced plenty of those, many have not, been too caught up in themselves to notice.

Although I have not had a boyfriend (unusual for teenagers supposedly,) I am glad in the regard that I have been able to appreciate moments by myself, to take a walk, and not care about my 'love life.' Really there are blessings in every situations huh? Well.. let's just see what next year brings, the year that I am sixteen, perhaps it really will be sweet. Here's hoping