Last week I went with a group of strangers on journey that was Spiritual, Physical, Uplifting, Intense but mostly FUN! This journey required all of me, all my strength to complete the cycling and kyaking and climbing etc.
The experience was amazing! I met people whom I would fully wanna keep hanging with, people who encouraged and helped me along with my walk with the Lord.
Monday, December 17
Thursday, December 6
Fighter
Its been awhile since I've cried. Last night was the night. After a testimony from a young woman who had been through so much, that all of us go through and are tempted with, I realised that I didn't have what she had. (we always want more.) But she had was a passion for Jesus. Sure I have admitted Jesus into my heart and I believe that He died on the cross for me, yet despite all this my passion has dwindled. The phrase that has stuck with me from last night though is that Jesus is FIGHTING for me. He hasn't given up on me yet. It brought tears to my eyes.
When we live in the world, it is so easy to get caught up in ourselves and in what we need to be doing, that we forget that Jesus is there. I forgot. And after a while it gets hard to differentiate whether he is there, the harder it gets to feel his beautiful presence and thus, it gets hard to be his friend, to be in relationship with him. The entire reason for his terrible death was that we may be n relationship with Him.
I had been feeling empty, just doing, not really living, almost on auto bot mode. Its ridiculous, and sure on the outside it looks good, I'm good at the masquerade. Incognito as a impostor. But what a relief that Jesus is FIGHTING for me. I definitely cant wait to see what Jesus is gonna be up to with me :) I fully wanna love him like with everything, because I know that He will and can give me all of my hearts desires. He is amazing and funny, and loves me so much that words will never be able to describe.
After Gemz testimony she played a clip demonstrating how Jesus fights for us, when we get caught up in the world in life. The clip above is the same one which brought tears to my eyes and which Gemz showed.
When we live in the world, it is so easy to get caught up in ourselves and in what we need to be doing, that we forget that Jesus is there. I forgot. And after a while it gets hard to differentiate whether he is there, the harder it gets to feel his beautiful presence and thus, it gets hard to be his friend, to be in relationship with him. The entire reason for his terrible death was that we may be n relationship with Him.
I had been feeling empty, just doing, not really living, almost on auto bot mode. Its ridiculous, and sure on the outside it looks good, I'm good at the masquerade. Incognito as a impostor. But what a relief that Jesus is FIGHTING for me. I definitely cant wait to see what Jesus is gonna be up to with me :) I fully wanna love him like with everything, because I know that He will and can give me all of my hearts desires. He is amazing and funny, and loves me so much that words will never be able to describe.
After Gemz testimony she played a clip demonstrating how Jesus fights for us, when we get caught up in the world in life. The clip above is the same one which brought tears to my eyes and which Gemz showed.
Thursday, October 25
It seems to me that others will always lay expectations on others. On the ones that they love most expectations of fallen dreams will be handed over like a heavy burden, which the reciever takes, only too willing to please. To the ones that they loathe, expectations of only the worst await. Like a dark preconditioned force drives the loathing to want and expect the other only to be disappointment and filled with betrayal. Finally, expectations are handed over to ourselves. In the deep conscience an expectation takes root, of success and happiness. It is an expectation which costs the most yet continues drawing deeper and deeper into the heart.
I have tried not to live up to those expectations, but somehow they make us who we are. Your fathers expectation of having the sportiest child in the country makes one strive to be the star hook and captain in the first 11 Rugby team, or captain of the A netball team. Eager to please our afternoons are filled with practises and training. We go through sweat, stinking like a pig, grueling runs, all so that we can be the best. Our mothers expectations of being the class pet, the smartest on the block, DUX, Valedictorian make us strive for excellences in the classroom. As a result we study long hours into the night and before we know it we are labelled 'brainboxes,' but that is okay, because that was what we wanted. Wasn't it?
I have to admit, I am a high achiever, I don't mean to be. I am incredibly clumsy and unco' yet I still participate in sport. I haven't figured out whether I enjoy sport for the thrill and adrenalin rush, or because it has made me popular and skinny. School work comes easily to me, but I have seen others work so much harder than I have. I have seen students put their everything into their study, yet have recieved no recognition for it. I hardly believe that that kind of attitude will encourage and nourish a seeking student. Yet at the same time, if I do not recieve good grades for my work I will be disappointed. With myself, for not trying harder. Funny isnt it? That that is an expectation I have put on myself with out meaning too. Mhmm.
Okay, so all these expectations around us. And we get angry at them if we think aobut them. But, what if there were no expectations? No body believeing that you can be more than what you are. I see people at school who have no belief in themselves. Who do not trust their instincts, who think that they are as good as what they can have or give- in the sexual way. Their parents or caregivers do not attend their prize givings and I barely see them at school functions. Do these kids have any expectations put on them that is nurtured and encouraged? I have my doubts. Expectations are put on us by those that care for us, I guess it is like a sign of affection, which leads me to think that these students, who have no hope in themsleves, who have no expectations put on them have no one to put those on them. That they are not loved. That is a tragedy.
To have expectations is to hope. It can become an obsession which is dangerous. It can blossom into life, as you see a hearts hope fulfilled and it can mold. Expectations are put onto us by others, who love us, who care. Sometimes for selfish reasons, but expectations make us want to prove our worth. Our worht is in Jesus Christ who has the expectations of a wonderful life and relationship for us and with us.
I have tried not to live up to those expectations, but somehow they make us who we are. Your fathers expectation of having the sportiest child in the country makes one strive to be the star hook and captain in the first 11 Rugby team, or captain of the A netball team. Eager to please our afternoons are filled with practises and training. We go through sweat, stinking like a pig, grueling runs, all so that we can be the best. Our mothers expectations of being the class pet, the smartest on the block, DUX, Valedictorian make us strive for excellences in the classroom. As a result we study long hours into the night and before we know it we are labelled 'brainboxes,' but that is okay, because that was what we wanted. Wasn't it?
I have to admit, I am a high achiever, I don't mean to be. I am incredibly clumsy and unco' yet I still participate in sport. I haven't figured out whether I enjoy sport for the thrill and adrenalin rush, or because it has made me popular and skinny. School work comes easily to me, but I have seen others work so much harder than I have. I have seen students put their everything into their study, yet have recieved no recognition for it. I hardly believe that that kind of attitude will encourage and nourish a seeking student. Yet at the same time, if I do not recieve good grades for my work I will be disappointed. With myself, for not trying harder. Funny isnt it? That that is an expectation I have put on myself with out meaning too. Mhmm.
Okay, so all these expectations around us. And we get angry at them if we think aobut them. But, what if there were no expectations? No body believeing that you can be more than what you are. I see people at school who have no belief in themselves. Who do not trust their instincts, who think that they are as good as what they can have or give- in the sexual way. Their parents or caregivers do not attend their prize givings and I barely see them at school functions. Do these kids have any expectations put on them that is nurtured and encouraged? I have my doubts. Expectations are put on us by those that care for us, I guess it is like a sign of affection, which leads me to think that these students, who have no hope in themsleves, who have no expectations put on them have no one to put those on them. That they are not loved. That is a tragedy.
To have expectations is to hope. It can become an obsession which is dangerous. It can blossom into life, as you see a hearts hope fulfilled and it can mold. Expectations are put onto us by others, who love us, who care. Sometimes for selfish reasons, but expectations make us want to prove our worth. Our worht is in Jesus Christ who has the expectations of a wonderful life and relationship for us and with us.
Friday, October 5
Waiting.. waiting.. waiting..
hoping..hoping.. hoping..
there has to be something more, something exciting
Adventure, danger, intrigue..
when, when when?
When will it come?
I'll have to be brave
Step out, step out
onto the path
that leads up mountains
and down into valleys
Hand over the steering wheel
Travel with a friend
See the world
Breath the culture
Feel the wind
Stroke the many sand dunes
Of Egypt
Swim swim swim
like a mermaid
Dash and dart with the humming bird
Live life
Be free
Be Wild
Be Kind
Be Generous and Compassionate
Be Inviting
Be Captivating.
Be free
Be Wild
Be Kind
Be Generous and Compassionate
Be Inviting
Be Captivating.
hoping..hoping.. hoping..
there has to be something more, something exciting
Adventure, danger, intrigue..
when, when when?
When will it come?
I'll have to be brave
Step out, step out
onto the path
that leads up mountains
and down into valleys
Hand over the steering wheel
Travel with a friend
See the world
Breath the culture
Feel the wind
Stroke the many sand dunes
Of Egypt
Swim swim swim
like a mermaid
Dash and dart with the humming bird
Live life
Be free
Be Wild
Be Kind
Be Generous and Compassionate
Be Inviting
Be Captivating.
Be free
Be Wild
Be Kind
Be Generous and Compassionate
Be Inviting
Be Captivating.
Monday, September 10
Life should be like a musical
"Life should be a musical" was the opening to my speech last week in assembly. Key word: was. Was supposed to be. Rather what happened instead will probably result in myself falling short. But hey, at least I know then that I cannot boast about my own merits.
Last week I had to do a speech in assembly telling the school as to why they should vote for me, in a campaign so that I may be able to go on the Board Of Trustees as the Student Representative. The night before I practiced my speech, had it memorised, I included so puns and had a low key, informal style that I thought that my audience would most appreciate. HOWEVER: during the morning I had not been seen by anybody as to what action to take, so as I was sitting with the rest of the assembly I was totally dismayed to see the other candidates walking up onto stage! Hurriedly I walked to the stage only to be told that I would have to do my speech.. FIRST! Flustered already, all manner and form of preparation I had flew out the window! I was left to rely on stammering and my theater-sports skills of improvisation. Aagh!
At least though I know that if I get the position of student rep. it'll definitely be God's doing, because in NO way on my own merits would I get in. The speech was too faltering, and ill prepared. Afterward campaigning was not successful, if I get in it'll be a miracle. Isn't that just amazing? That I can rest in the peace, that if I don't get this position that it's not a failure as it was simply where God didn't want me :) That is just such good news! Jesus really is Peace. YAY.
And yes, life should be a musical. To burst in spontaneous song where the good guy always wins and love prevails. Life is abit like that though- the Good Guy has won! and His love does prevail!
Tuesday, August 28
No More Facade
My sixteenth birthday party was probably the prettiest thing that I have had in a while. Romantic candles set the scene, the aroma of coffee wafting through out the room and classic jazz playing softly in the background. Small round tables were filled with laughing and chattery people, discussing their weekends and joking around. And I felt comfortable, I was with people that I knew, that didn't judge me, that accepted my lame sense of humor, that loved me. I did not have to prove myself to them- I was just, Me.
Today catching up with a friend I was reminded of the relief of just being honest. The freedom it brings to just be truthful with oneself and others, to express emotions, despite having it out in the open. At my party I was with people that I knew I could be honest with, which is why it was such a beautiful evening. There was no facade that we so naturally put up. Hanging with my friend today she was honest I was honest. It was a sweet day.
I hope that I will be able to take off the mask everyday. Okay, I'm not so different with the mask on or with it off, but sometimes there are occasions when I wish I was different, or perhaps when I wish that I would swallow my pride and say something different- to be braver, to be more trusting, to be more into my God instead of wishing for a Prince. But all girls want a Prince. I hope that I'll be able to take off the mask when I want to keep it on the most. Jesus was honest with everybody and told them the straight hard up truth- I hope I'll be able to do that, be honest and truthful.
Truthful to others and also to my self. So often I would try to delude myself; to combat my feelings, my heart, as silly and cliche as it sounds. When I see that guy my heart starts beating faster and faster, although my body tells me that I like this person, but in my mind I would tell myself to stop being so ridiculous, not because he's better than me, but rather because my head tells me it is ridiculous for me to like people at the age that I am now. Logic is just silly, yet logic with out heart drives people to evil. And heart with out logic is pure compulsion and lust; it is to set oneself up to utter heartbreak and desolation.. so where is the middle ground?
To be honest wiht oneself and others is a virtue. Hopefully I'll be able to learn to do this with the help from those that love me and those whom I love. Jesus will be my Saviour, he knows my heart, he will sort it out.
Today catching up with a friend I was reminded of the relief of just being honest. The freedom it brings to just be truthful with oneself and others, to express emotions, despite having it out in the open. At my party I was with people that I knew I could be honest with, which is why it was such a beautiful evening. There was no facade that we so naturally put up. Hanging with my friend today she was honest I was honest. It was a sweet day.
I hope that I will be able to take off the mask everyday. Okay, I'm not so different with the mask on or with it off, but sometimes there are occasions when I wish I was different, or perhaps when I wish that I would swallow my pride and say something different- to be braver, to be more trusting, to be more into my God instead of wishing for a Prince. But all girls want a Prince. I hope that I'll be able to take off the mask when I want to keep it on the most. Jesus was honest with everybody and told them the straight hard up truth- I hope I'll be able to do that, be honest and truthful.
Truthful to others and also to my self. So often I would try to delude myself; to combat my feelings, my heart, as silly and cliche as it sounds. When I see that guy my heart starts beating faster and faster, although my body tells me that I like this person, but in my mind I would tell myself to stop being so ridiculous, not because he's better than me, but rather because my head tells me it is ridiculous for me to like people at the age that I am now. Logic is just silly, yet logic with out heart drives people to evil. And heart with out logic is pure compulsion and lust; it is to set oneself up to utter heartbreak and desolation.. so where is the middle ground?
To be honest wiht oneself and others is a virtue. Hopefully I'll be able to learn to do this with the help from those that love me and those whom I love. Jesus will be my Saviour, he knows my heart, he will sort it out.
Friday, August 24
Tears And Rain- James Blunt
How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
Tears and Rain.
Tears and Rain.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
Tears and Rain.
Tears and Rain.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
Life without Fear
For my birthday coming up, I decided to have a Coffee and Dessert evening, which would reflect my tastes, however I am getting a little nervous as i don't think that my taste is very popular, or rather its a bit old fashioned.. any way, I'm excited i guess :) Isn't that odd? That I am apprehensive about having a classy party because I'm insecure about how others will receive it. Mhmm..
Anyway, preparing for this I have had to make (am in the process of making) a soundtrack, and with my research I have discovered once again the beauty of Mr James Blunt. His music is beautiful, lyrical and poetry. It reaches emotion that I am quite reluctant to express. It just is pretty.. Listen to it some time if ya want! He is honest, he is not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve. imagine the kind of life one would live if they lived with out fear! "Perfect love drives out fear." The only reason I don't express myself, or am apprehensive about having my party is because I'll be exposing my self for who and what I truly am.
Life with out fear, that is a life with God. If only my relationship with him will get a little better. Silly how us humans think that our relationship with Him will just be sweet as with out putting any effort into it huh? I think sometimes God is lonely.. Being ignored by all those he Loves so much. Its like being ignored by your best friend, or by that boy who you seem to notice but doesn't even know that you exist. C'mon God has feelings too, he must be so lonely... O no! My bad.. He is beautiful though, James Blunt's music is beautiful and says it how it is. That is an amiable quality- to be able to live with out fear, to be able to wear your heart on your sleeve.
Anyway, preparing for this I have had to make (am in the process of making) a soundtrack, and with my research I have discovered once again the beauty of Mr James Blunt. His music is beautiful, lyrical and poetry. It reaches emotion that I am quite reluctant to express. It just is pretty.. Listen to it some time if ya want! He is honest, he is not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve. imagine the kind of life one would live if they lived with out fear! "Perfect love drives out fear." The only reason I don't express myself, or am apprehensive about having my party is because I'll be exposing my self for who and what I truly am.
Life with out fear, that is a life with God. If only my relationship with him will get a little better. Silly how us humans think that our relationship with Him will just be sweet as with out putting any effort into it huh? I think sometimes God is lonely.. Being ignored by all those he Loves so much. Its like being ignored by your best friend, or by that boy who you seem to notice but doesn't even know that you exist. C'mon God has feelings too, he must be so lonely... O no! My bad.. He is beautiful though, James Blunt's music is beautiful and says it how it is. That is an amiable quality- to be able to live with out fear, to be able to wear your heart on your sleeve.
Tuesday, August 21
The Sweet Moments
There are those sweet moments in life, which you only get once, a moment, a glimpse when everything is perfect. The smell of fresh rain, or the joy of seeing a child smile just for a second or so about something that you never perceived as beautiful until they smiled. They are the sweet moments which one hopes would last forever. They are the moments which make your day feel worthwhile, the moments which make everything fall into place.
A typical moment that is said to be particularly sweet is that of ones sixteenth birthday. The year is supposed to be magical, filled with romance, laughter, life fulfillment. Ya know like beach fun, snow trips, road trips etc. I'm going to be sixteen on Sunday, I am excited, but I don't know what to expect, so far of being a teenager has not turned out to be as it promised. Perhaps I am just a little sentimental. How selfish of me really. Life is not defined on boyfriends, but by moments. Laughs, tears, sunshine, rainbows, rain and the twinkle in an eye. I have experienced plenty of those, many have not, been too caught up in themselves to notice.
Although I have not had a boyfriend (unusual for teenagers supposedly,) I am glad in the regard that I have been able to appreciate moments by myself, to take a walk, and not care about my 'love life.' Really there are blessings in every situations huh? Well.. let's just see what next year brings, the year that I am sixteen, perhaps it really will be sweet. Here's hoping
A typical moment that is said to be particularly sweet is that of ones sixteenth birthday. The year is supposed to be magical, filled with romance, laughter, life fulfillment. Ya know like beach fun, snow trips, road trips etc. I'm going to be sixteen on Sunday, I am excited, but I don't know what to expect, so far of being a teenager has not turned out to be as it promised. Perhaps I am just a little sentimental. How selfish of me really. Life is not defined on boyfriends, but by moments. Laughs, tears, sunshine, rainbows, rain and the twinkle in an eye. I have experienced plenty of those, many have not, been too caught up in themselves to notice.
Although I have not had a boyfriend (unusual for teenagers supposedly,) I am glad in the regard that I have been able to appreciate moments by myself, to take a walk, and not care about my 'love life.' Really there are blessings in every situations huh? Well.. let's just see what next year brings, the year that I am sixteen, perhaps it really will be sweet. Here's hoping
Monday, July 30
AAgh! Okay, I only have ten minutes to write this in, decide what I want to write about and upload it- and my computer is going SO SLOW!
Okay, so the thing that has been getting me lately is -hard to say in words- rather tis a mixture of varied emotions. Ya know, like being a Christian your not supposed to be 'dating' unless your ready for marriage or like there is a huge emphasis on not 'lusting' whatever that is! Please define when somebody is lusting! and is it their fault for being raunchily clad that we lust or is it our own that we are unable to control ourselves? (2 min left)
Any way, personally i think there is always heaps said about chiks not wearing modest enough clothing- SERIOUSLY! you can buy scores of books at any shop written by other woman (or men) stating how scantily glad girls are and that they should dress more appropriatly- fair enough, alot of girls do look prostitutuiony, but what aobut all those boys who walk with their shirts off? or who lead girls on.. do they hold no responsibility? Are they not also responsible for the bad thing we call 'lust'?
And then there is also the degrading of woman. Im no feminist, but seriously! Girls- get a clue! When a guy talks to you whilst only looking at your boobs, you know he is only after one thing, so honey, please, dont fall for him. Women on hip hop clips, why do you even allow yoursleves to be degraded like that?! Do you seriously want all males on the earth to check you out and only think aobut doig it with you? I can hardly think that any bloke would want to have a serious relationship with you if you put yourself out like that. ( i think i just grasped the term 'put out.')
Our fellow grandmothers fought SO hard for our independance, to not be so looked down on, and girls, ladies, i seriously think that we have let them down. They fought so that men wouldnt have control over us anymore, but seriously girls, when you think that you are worth nothing, just because you do not have a man on your arm- well its jsut contradicting what great ladies stood for. As women we are the crown of creation, that final stroke on the artists canvas- let us stop letting ourselves down!
What i also do not understand is why when girls like more than one guy they'r 'slutty' but when a guy has hooked up with more than one chik on one night he's the man? They're both the same thing, can we please get a little sensible? I am not condoning the motion of liking more than one guy or hooking up with randoms- infact i think they're both silly-but my point is, it should be the same for both sexes. We were created equally, with different jobs to do. And none of the jobs are better than any other! We are all under God's image, male and female. The sex thing has just gone stupid and it is all over rated anyway. Let's just get back to being us. :)
Okay, so the thing that has been getting me lately is -hard to say in words- rather tis a mixture of varied emotions. Ya know, like being a Christian your not supposed to be 'dating' unless your ready for marriage or like there is a huge emphasis on not 'lusting' whatever that is! Please define when somebody is lusting! and is it their fault for being raunchily clad that we lust or is it our own that we are unable to control ourselves? (2 min left)
Any way, personally i think there is always heaps said about chiks not wearing modest enough clothing- SERIOUSLY! you can buy scores of books at any shop written by other woman (or men) stating how scantily glad girls are and that they should dress more appropriatly- fair enough, alot of girls do look prostitutuiony, but what aobut all those boys who walk with their shirts off? or who lead girls on.. do they hold no responsibility? Are they not also responsible for the bad thing we call 'lust'?
And then there is also the degrading of woman. Im no feminist, but seriously! Girls- get a clue! When a guy talks to you whilst only looking at your boobs, you know he is only after one thing, so honey, please, dont fall for him. Women on hip hop clips, why do you even allow yoursleves to be degraded like that?! Do you seriously want all males on the earth to check you out and only think aobut doig it with you? I can hardly think that any bloke would want to have a serious relationship with you if you put yourself out like that. ( i think i just grasped the term 'put out.')
Our fellow grandmothers fought SO hard for our independance, to not be so looked down on, and girls, ladies, i seriously think that we have let them down. They fought so that men wouldnt have control over us anymore, but seriously girls, when you think that you are worth nothing, just because you do not have a man on your arm- well its jsut contradicting what great ladies stood for. As women we are the crown of creation, that final stroke on the artists canvas- let us stop letting ourselves down!
What i also do not understand is why when girls like more than one guy they'r 'slutty' but when a guy has hooked up with more than one chik on one night he's the man? They're both the same thing, can we please get a little sensible? I am not condoning the motion of liking more than one guy or hooking up with randoms- infact i think they're both silly-but my point is, it should be the same for both sexes. We were created equally, with different jobs to do. And none of the jobs are better than any other! We are all under God's image, male and female. The sex thing has just gone stupid and it is all over rated anyway. Let's just get back to being us. :)
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